I Fell Down the Crown Vic PI Rabbit Hole Last Night

"PatBateman" (PatBateman) 07/29/2017 at 14:03 • Filed to: Madness, Ford Crown Victoria, Coyote, I'm INSANE

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I like LOVE sleepers. A car that looks timid, is common, and is usually slow, but then rips its competitors a new bunghole off the line is a wonderful thing to me. So while researching some possibilities that are somewhat (not really) economical, I started looking at Ford Police Interceptors. Then shit went south.

There are a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! 2011 models on the market for around $5k, but of course those are ragged out former cop cars that have seen heavy use and constant abuse. The 4.6 liter V8s that are slapped under the Crown Victorias’ gargantuan hoods (measured in acres) have been flogged like an insolent sailer back in the 1600's. The cars themselves weigh over two tons stripped, even with their sparsely designed interiors and barebones options. And don’t even get me started on the transmission or suspension wear-and-tear. These were purpose-built vehicles that were meant to stand up to the rigors of their intended use, and the ones for sale have been deemed used up by their departments.

But what could be done to these poor models, yearning to join yet another bad guy chase? How much would it cost to get them there, and then some? How do you turn a 4,2oo lb behemoth into a proper performance car? The answer: A shit ton of money.

Forget about that 4.6 liter dinosaur. We need a new engine for this venture. !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! on the interwebs is a second generation 5.0 Coyote V8/six speed auto/ECU package (435 HP, 400 torque things) for the low low price of $13,000. Since I don’t think 435 Pony-derived ponies are enough, there are some !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! super chargers available for about $7,400. I’d also want the new air intake/headers package for $1,400. A new reprogramming of the ECU would be about $1,000. Since the transmission in the aforementioned package will take up to 700 lb-foot of grunt, these alterations shouldn’t mess it up as long as the forced induction isn’t turned up to 11.

Since I’m a snob when it comes to vehicle interiors, a new dash, seats, steering wheel, and gadgets are musts. That’ll set me back a couple grand. Do I NEED to do this? Of course not, but think about all the sweaty cop butts that have spent hours sitting in that seat, all the grime from their hands on the dash and wheel, and all the perp pee/vomit that the rear has seen. Lysol can clean it, but the history remains. Gotta chunk it for something nicer.

The rear axle will need at least a rebuild if not a full replacement, depending on which variant it has. The suspension will need new shocks and a full inspection to be deemed acceptable, and perhaps we’ll lower it an inch for science. Some cool HID headlights can be purchased for $300, and a mean cat-back exhaust system for maybe $1,200. Don’t forget about the wheels and tires! Slightly wider rubber with lighter and larger rims will be needed to properly put the power to the pavement. Carbon fiber driveshafts are cheaper than ever, so maybe $2,500 for that (unsprung weight, yo!). New, cool paint? HELL YES

Oh, and labor.

So, all in, my trip down the rabbit hole would cost me about $5,000 for the car and $65,000 for the new parts/labor (and I’m probably low-balling the labor). This, kiddies, is why I don’t act on my automotive whims. Why buy a GT350R when you could rock this Frankenstein Crown Vic for the same price?

Captain of the Enterprise > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:09

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For what it’s worth I had a Crown Vic for a few years and absolutely hated it. The seats are shit, it handles terribly its slow, the back seat is small for such a big car, the gas mileage is atrocious and on and on

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Captain of the Enterprise 07/29/2017 at 14:17

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Second.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:19

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Start with a CV LX Sport instead. Much nicer seats, console, exterior probably isn’t super gross like cop cars.

Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:22

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Why buy a GT350R when you could rock this Frankenstein Crown Vic for the same price?

Why buy a great car when you could buy a cobbled together piece of shit that won’t be able to keep up with an Ecoboost Mustang?

19JRC99 > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:34

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Get a Lincoln Town Car. Super comfortable, and even more sleeper-ish. My grandfather has a 2000 as his “daily” (quotes since he doesn’t really drive daily these days) and it’s super comfortable, and fairly quick for what it is.

PatBateman > Captain of the Enterprise 07/29/2017 at 14:39

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This is why I am thinking that $70k+ is the only way to get a Crown Vic up to snuff.

PatBateman > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 07/29/2017 at 14:40

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I figured that I’d put that car’s interior into said project car, but you’re probably correct in your suggestion.

PatBateman > Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch 07/29/2017 at 14:41

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I mean, I think a 700 horsepower CV would probably beat an Ecoboost Mustang, but not much else.

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:42

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Get out of the hole. Now. Seriously I know too many people who have had their life ruined by Panther bodies. They treat them with such care and they shit the bed anyway, and yet they never buy any other car but.

It’s seriously a waste of time and money. I heavily advise against it.

PatBateman > 19JRC99 07/29/2017 at 14:43

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I actually looked at those when considering the interior. They weigh a couple hundred pounds more than the CVPI, but it’s a possibility. And by “possibility”, I mean “there’s no way in hell I’d do what I talked about to either vehicle”.

PatBateman > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 07/29/2017 at 14:44

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After doing the math and tallying up the totals of the project, I came to the same conclusion as you did.

NOPE.

19JRC99 > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:44

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My “possibility” is much the same.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:47

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Somebody else has already been down that rabbit hole. The end results are kind of cool but nowhere near worth it.

https://www.google.com/amp/jalopnik.com/how-icon-built-the-ultimate-badass-sleeper-caprice-1785754137/amp

PatBateman > sm70- why not Duesenberg? 07/29/2017 at 14:54

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JESUS. You know that build was probably well over $125k.

I have another burner, try to guess it! > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 14:57

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You forgot to mention the manual trans swap! Duck auto correct

PatBateman > I have another burner, try to guess it! 07/29/2017 at 14:58

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Nah, we’ll keep it automatic. I’m not sure WHY, considering the rest of the madness I laid out, but no rowing your own gears in this.

Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 15:28

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In anything other than a drag race, I doubt it.

404 - User No Longer Available > I have another burner, try to guess it! 07/29/2017 at 15:43

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If only there is a way to make the manual a column shifter.

PatBateman > Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch 07/29/2017 at 15:54

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I wasn’t thinking of anything else.

Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 15:58

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In that case, build a $15k rail dragster and beat everything.

PatBateman > Bman76 (no it doesn't need a WS6 hood) M. Arch 07/29/2017 at 16:04

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This is actually cheaper than my first rabbit hole yesterday, a Tesla motor-powered CJ-7.

Rust and Dust - Oppositelock Forever > PatBateman 07/29/2017 at 16:30

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For what it’s worth, here’s a similar setup (supercharged coyote 5.0) in an F100. Yeah, it’s expensive, but:

PatBateman > Rust and Dust - Oppositelock Forever 07/29/2017 at 20:15

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And a new rabbit hole emerges!!!

See ya! *jumps in*

Hammerdown > PatBateman 07/31/2017 at 09:20

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that’s why most people stuff a 6.0 LS with a big nitrous kit, a 4L60 and a ford 9 inch in these if they want to make them fast. With a setup like that it has the potential to be a high 10 or low 11 second car.